Perhaps the second-most asked question about families relates to the role of married-ins. Are they invited to family meetings? What role should they have?
This is a very passionate issue, and the view of family members is often driven by family culture and emotion rather than logic. But that isn’t a formula for good decision-making.
Let’s break this down and consider the issue through a risk lens.
What are the risks of having married-ins participate in meetings (or more broadly, be part of the family enterprise) or the reasons not to include them?
Now, what are either the benefits of involving them, or the risks or not doing so?
You may agree or disagree with any of the points above, and you may have your own reasons to add.
But no matter what, this constitutes a framework to debate and then reach a rational decision, and hopefully one that includes relevant stakeholders. Therefore, a good family decision.
There are two ways to join a family: birth & marriage, and two ways to leave a family: death and divorce.
Families devote so much time dealing with the complexities of marriage, and preparing for the possibility of divorce. Yet as Jay Hughes points out, every family starts with a marriage between two people who may have been strangers at some point, and who may have come from very different cultures. Further, he notes that married-ins are the only people who choose to join a family.
What’s the right thing to do? That is a trick question (and one I don’t fall for when families ask me).
Sometimes, decisions like this can lead to self-fulfilling negative feedback loops. Exclude a family member (not just married-ins) from discussions, and they can become disenfranchised, which can fracture the family and lead to conflict. That leads to the family wanting to exclude them further, and on we go.
Because this issue has such a strong cultural lens for many families, it’s particularly important for advisors to take a very neutral stance and respect the family’s culture. At the same time, guide them to make an informed choice.
Remember: there is no right or wrong; there are only consequences.
Conversation Starters:
What is your family’s definition of “family”?
What is the family’s experience and narrative around marriage break downs?
Whom do you trust more: your sibling’s partner? Or your partner’s sibling?
The original article was published in Do Married-ins Sit at the Table? - David Werdiger
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A successful family advisor, business strategist, entrepreneur, and thought leader with a proven track record of achievement in driving innovation and growth for entrepreneurial endeavours and not-for-profit organisations.
David's experience includes founding and building multiple businesses from the ground up, and expanding and leading operations into new markets. He is recognised by colleagues as a creative problem-solver and strategist with expertise in coming up with ideas and creating new ways of improving business, strategy, operations, and results.
As a business and family advisor, he provides clients with expert business advice on intergenerational business and wealth transition, advancing entrepreneurial efforts, setting up good governance, improving financial and operational results, and strategic direction. He is also a seasoned program leader with an aptitude for providing governance in corporate and philanthropic pursuits with a strong focus on culturally focused non-profits.