Articles

< Back

Cracking the code of constructive family meetings

By Dennis T. Jaffe

Effective family communication often begins with an explicit code of conduct.

A family is a delicate edifice, with a natural tendency to fragment, split and move in different directions over generations. New people enter as spouses and children, with their own interests, preferences and lifestyles. But when a family shares ownership and oversight of — not to mention dependence on — shared investments, they challenge this genesis. Such connected, “enterprising” families must work continually to head off and manage conflict between an ever-expanding pool of family members, who share blood but tend not to know each other as well.

They often fear conflict because they are more of a mystery to each other. While brothers and sisters in the second generation grow up together and tend to remain close after they’ve started their own families, third generation cousins grow up apart and see each other only at rare and restrained family gatherings. They may be relative strangers, but they share ownership and potential ownership in significant business, investment, real estate and philanthropic assets. They cannot just be partners coming together to exercise rational self-interest; there is deep emotional family history, like whose uncle did what to your father and how your siblings are being treated in the business. Actions that are couched as being “just business” can hurt personally, and that personal hurt can lead to anger and conflict in other areas.

So, when a family that has remained together as partners over three or more generations performs a self-assessment, they always puts family communication, conflict resolution and alignment of interests at the top of their list of critical challenges, and they look for professional help to anticipate or deal with their differences.

The advisor often tries to help by convening a family meeting, e.g. a focused gathering of family members (defined in various ways depending on the context) to discuss, provide alternatives and act on an issue. That seems both reasonable and simple, right? Yet, while the goal of a family meeting is to promote unity, I have heard many stories where getting together surfaced feelings that made further contact even less likely. Meanwhile, the problems remained simmering. “We had a family meeting, and it was terrible.” “No one wants to get together a second time.” “Things came out that were better left alone.” “Dad (or Uncle Jerry or Cousin Bob) had a meltdown and walked out.” “No one listens to me because…” Poorly planned and executed family meetings can further traumatize a family, even when a professional brought them together with the best of intentions.

Setting the Stage for a Family Meeting

No moment is as consequential for family communication as the start of a meeting in which an inter-generational family is convening for the first time. This group is often a collection of differing styles, viewpoints, values, ages and genders, as well as ways of living and working. While joined by blood, they feel anxious about whether they can find common ground and work together. They may all be heirs to a business started generations ago and their whole lives may have been informed by the benefits of that legacy, but they are still basically strangers to each other.

Even at smaller family meetings, such as those that bring parents together with their adult children, there tends to be anxiety and awkwardness around starting the process. There is often also a sense of fear that one person will dominate, that others will not be heard or that a business issue will trigger deep family emotions. All of this leads to avoidance. A family expresses this by finding it difficult to schedule the meeting, postponing it, limiting the time together or creating a rigid agenda. All of these have unwanted side-effects.

The problem is that the family members do not know how to create an environment for effective communication.  They enter a strange environment without knowing how to overcome the emotional traps and bad habits that have evolved over time in the family.  A family meeting must be safe for people to talk to each other in a respectful way about things that actually matter, and to be listened to by others. With that in mind, some families create a code of conduct, spelling out how they will talk to each other, not what they will talk about.

A code can be a guide to the difficult process of communicating in a fair and safe manner. It is a list of guidelines, rules or expectations for communication that everyone agrees to hold each other to when they meet or interact as a family. Families often have a number of bad habits — dominating, interrupting, blaming — that inhibit communication. Families who want their meetings to be safe havens must confront these bad habits and decide to help each other change. In some ways, they are like addicts who must support each other to make difficult changes to their behavior. The customary family behavior everyone grew into to deal with personal relationships and emotional realities may now be counter-productive to a safe and candid family meeting. Defining the future and agreeing on policies as a family is difficult work and family behavior must be adjusted to meet the task.

Creating the Code of Conduct

Developing a code of conduct might start with each family member sharing one concrete behavior that the family can agree on to build a safe harbor for honest and open communication. This gives each person a chance to register their anxieties up front. It’s typically not difficult to begin this conversation. The first things that inevitably come up are things like “Don’t interrupt,” “Get everyone to talk, not just the people who always dominate,” “Talk about yourself without blaming others,” or ”If you are upset take a breath, calm down and start again.”

Each of these can be discussed and defined by the family as a principle of communication. Once the family has done this, they should write the principles on a large piece of paper and place it on the wall so that everyone can see them throughout the entire meeting. The more each family member can express concerns and feel that others have heard them, the more committed the family will be to the code of conduct. They will understand that the code marks the family’s entry into a new, healthier way of working together.

Some facilitators begin the discussion with a list of behaviors that promote good communication. For example, many use the four principles defined by anthropologist Angie Arrien in her book, “The Fourfold Way” as a guide (which echo a separate but similar set of principles created by Steven Covey):

Rules for Living Life

Show up!

Pay attention!

Tell the truth, without blame or judgment.

Be open to outcomes, not attached to an outcome.

It should be noted, however, that this framework is helpful only if family members take the time to consider how each rule would look if practiced by their family. The rules are deceptively simple: easy to agree with and hard to practice. The point is to actively engage with them in an attempt to transform good ideas into practical tools that guide behavior.

After such a discussion, the family will come up with a set of ground rules for effective communication. Setting up (or reminding people about) those rules should always be the first topic on the agenda of a family meeting (even if it’s only a three-person meeting). Family members often come to these gatherings with fears about talking, and concerns that what he or she wants to share will not be listened to or respected. An enforced code can help the family overcome this tendency.

There are many types of statements in a family that act as “emotional triggers.” They are called this because they awaken hurtful memories and feelings of anger, sadness, etc. Rules about behavior can’t always stop these emotional eruptions, but they can limit them and slow down the family as they approach sensitive territory. At their best, rules can help a family consider other ways to deal with feeling upset. In addition, the presence of other caring family members at a meeting can sometimes help two people who are upset over the same issue take a step back and gain perspective.

When there is a code the question arises: What happens if someone does not follow it? Who is responsible for policing it — gently reminding family members who slip up? This task can be jointly handled by the facilitator, a family member or an outside advisor whose role is to make sure the meeting goes well. It can also be handled by every family member in attendance. Families will often allow anyone in attendance to speak up when they observe someone breaking the rules. For example, family members may make comments like, “He isn’t finished,” or “Let’s slow things down — people seem to be getting upset.” These process comments show that all family members feel responsible for adhering to the rules and are able to call each other to account.

Core Purpose

A second element of the family code of conduct involves setting clear expectations for the meeting’s purpose, as well as when or how decisions will be made. Each meeting should have a core purpose; a focus that guides the conversation. This purpose might be “to learn about the structure of the family trusts,” “to learn what we all want for our family philanthropy policies” or “to plan for the new family leadership.” Having a focus helps make the meeting safer by creating a sense of what will be off-limits as well as what issues can be shared.

Sometimes the agreement is that a person can raise an issue, but any individual can decide that they don’t want to talk about it. Or there may be an agreement that decisions will not be made, and that the purpose of the meeting is to learn about each other. Clarity around the meeting’s purpose is often critical to getting one or more individuals to decide to participate.

Beyond the Family Meeting

In summary, a family code of conduct is a set of agreed-upon rules and understandings that a family creates to ensure a safe, comfortable and positive setting for family communication in a meeting. Families often have one general code of conduct that they adopt for all meetings, as well as more specific agreements about purpose that they’ll add for individual meetings. Each meeting begins with a discussion of what ground rules are in effect for that meeting, beginning with the general code.

A final word about the code of conduct in the context of other areas of family governance and behavior: The family that adopts a code for behavior in a meeting may decide the rules are important not only in meetings, but in their relationships in general. The whole family may agree to strive to adopt these standards for all their communication and behavior together. The code of conduct may become part of their family mission, vision and values, as well as their family constitution.